Student Journal Collage

I haven't really been able to muster up whatever I need to write these days (mostly something to suppress laziness and overthought), but I read my students' journals today and found them to be quite telling. Here's a sample of what I face on a daily occasion. 

Today I will talk about my driving, but first I got a question what age do you start driving? Swag Skool: It’s a level of swag. Well, yesterday I got a new laptop. I was on facebook/Instagram/Itemun.com/movie2k. Today I want to talk about how I’m having troubles in my life. Losing someone, especially your family member hurts. I like me some tigers. Well my best friend is mad at me because I told her some vital information and she gets mad because I am stills friend with her. The only car I like out of all the ones I name is the dodge ram. Because inside of it have a lot of cool buttons that do a lot of things. I was on 3verything except for porn website. I put on a brave face because I know I’ll take care of it later but who knows maybe I won’t get around that. He got shot i think it was in the back. I’m really suffering to get by. At first I thought you drive at the age 14. Life sucks when it is boring. You just dress w/so much swagg, and graditude. Tigos can beat Lions. People just don’t understand what I go threw. It felt like my hole day was worth nothing. Anyway, if I know how to drive I will show off to my church and school and then I will go to get a new car and paint it blue. A lot of people are either getting killed or hurt this year am just praying to God that someone else don’t end up dieing in my family again. Where I go they just think ooh she always with some friend. Well, to me I think of that has friendship (not nothing dirty). But maybe things will get better for me. I rock my snapbacks, and also Jordans. I think it was better if I didn’t tell what happened.  Tigos are the best not Lions. Big cats.  

Back on the Ups

Well, things have taken a more positive turn. Funny how these things work. Grandma, your theory has proven itself so far - Thanksgiving does something for a classroom. I've been enjoying mine a little more lately.

I'm not really sure what causes these changes - perhaps a kick my own attitude, a realization on my students part that I'm not going anywhere so they may as well deal with what they've got, or (most likely) my determination to win the classroom Christmas decoration contest. Little things can make a huge difference, I guess, although this decoration contest is certainly not little. I am grateful to have a wonderful new teacher joining us this year, but Julie is way too talented in the art department for me to take this contest lightly!

Praising God for a change in season, and looking forward to a visit from the Rebekahs and Peter on Friday!!

 My students love to come up with different ways to "rank" me. My life on the farm is a popular topic of conversation (recall that my school is just across the street from the farm, so I really can't hide where I live): "This teacher is so rachet she lives on the farm and sleeps with all the goats!" (a student was kind enough to write that one down for me recently). I have lately enjoyed preempting these insulting jokes by sharing a few ridiculous stories of my own. For example, when asked if I was going to get a "real" Turkey for Thanksgiving, or just eat one off the farm, I went off into some fairly nasty, exaggerated details about slaughtering and eating a turkey raw - Gollum style, you know - "raw and wriggling." Looking back, I realize this is absolutely disgusting image of myself, but I took too much pleasure in its reception to ever take it back: Delicious, silent stares of students who cannot believe someone would ever make fun of themselves. I'm not sure they even knew I was completely joking. Here's to hoping I don't get any raw turkey deliveries to my doorstep this week.

Insults don't usually bother me, especially from my students. Every once and a while, though, a student manages to hit a sore spot, reaching deep into my insecurities. I still remember a comment a student made last year about how my clothes didn't match. With a weak sense of fashion, I've never been able to muster enough confidence to wear the same outfit again. Today, I overheard a student mutter to her neighbors, "this teacher has no control over her class" with a smirk on her face. OOH! I may need to invest in a punching bag.

I've been hearing the same message all day from a variety of sources: Revelation 2:1 - 7, a meeting with my Principal, an email from Grandma, and James 1:2 - 4 (a verse I put in today's Bible lesson without actually having read it ahead of time). Don't be a quitter. It's pretty easy to muster sympathy for oneself. Clearly I've been going a little overboard. Today, the message has been clear. So clear that if anyone else tells me not to give up, I may get unreasonably defensive. Despite exhaustion, frailty, failure, insult and doubt, I WILL persevere, and God WILL provide a way when there is none. I don't usually like it when someone tells me the end of a story I haven't finished, but it sure is good to know how this one is going to end.

I go through phases on this blog, most of which involve very little writing. Usually this is due to laziness or a fear of sounding self-important. Lately, though, on top of the business and the discomfort toward writing for an audience, things have just been pretty hard for me (at school, mostly). I don't really like sharing the stuff that gets me down because I think we need to focus on the positive - the good things God has done. No one wants to be a downer. I suppose honesty is also important, though, and admitting my failures and doubts will hopefully lead me to a place where I can overcome them. I suppose I write this now to give myself permission to write about the less satisfactory things. The danger, I feel, is to make people worry about my state of being. Fortunately, we can all be confident that no matter what is happening or what I am feeling, God never stops being good and will never stop molding me into the person He created me to be.

Who knew I had so much pride that God had to place me in teaching to break it all down?

It's good to look back on my last post - a lot has happened in a month, and I need to remember the good things. A spirit of defeat has been trespassing on my territory lately as I battle the emptiness I see in my students. I had a miserable dream last night that four of my kids were expelled. These confused, frustrated, defeated feelings of failure gnaw at me, and my inspiration tank is critically low. With such a nasty attitude, it's easy to forget the love and victory of God:

2nd Chronicles 20:21 - 22

²¹ After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying:

“Give thanks to the Lord,

    for his love endures forever.”

²² As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated.

New game plan: I'll be the one appointed to praise God, and wait (patiently) for Him to send in the ambush. I can NOT be defeated, and therefore have no excuse to not praise my Lord. 

Good things piled high today. It might be nicer if they were spread out over time, but I'm not complaining. While they're fresh in my mind, let's take note (to remember when the times get tough again...)

1. I can now access the internet in my classroom!! Ahh!

2. After a year of sweat-soaked labor, I will finally be getting a new AC in my class!!

3. We welcomed two new, much-appreciated, greatly needed teachers to our staff today!

4. I switched a class with the HS teacher, so I now teach Algebra II instead of US History (sorry, A Wads, if you happen across this - I'm growing to love the history, but it's so hard to plan for!) This makes my planning a LOT easier, and gives me and my middle schoolers a break from each other during the day. 

5. The AC in my house was fixed, so I do not have to face another sleepless night sweating through my newly washed sheets. 

I am psyched for some positive change! If you think I am bragging, perhaps you are right. If you are finding yourself less fortunate than I at this moment, remember that these things are fleeting. There will be a time when AC and internet access will not have me leaping for joy.